What a most interesting experience I had last night!
First a little background. So here I am in Canmore on a writer's retreat. What can I say about it? It's been helpful in alot of ways, but a waste of time in someways too. The leader, Chrissy, is supposed to help us through are writing problems. On coming, I told her my problem was really just a lack of organization, I had lots and lots written. She told me I would be her first fiction writer client but she could help. And on Friday, the first day, she did help. We did a 'target audience' exercise that I can do myself for everything I write that is very focusing. We talked about what is stopping me from finishing anything and getting published, and I think I had a few epiphany-type moments. Mostly I sit in my room by myself and write (which is not necessarily a bad thing).
Then Saturday came. You see originally there was supposed to be five of us on this retreat, but one lady cancelled, another came for only the day, etc.. It seems like people have been coming and going all over the place. I guess Chrissy, who is young and just starting her business out, was feeling lonely or something, because on Saturday her friends started to show up. Saturday after lunch we were supposed to get together to talk about outlining. I phoned and phoned her room but there was no answer. Finally we got together, but it was a complete waste of time. She was focused on a blackberry chat she was having with someone and on facebook. She was not hearing what I was saying (I know what this looks like) and repeating questions she hadn't heard me answer because she had been distracted. I was frustrated and left her home; I was ready to leave for home. Didn't get much writing done, but I talked myself into sticking around. When we got together for supper, Chrissy and her friend had been into the wine already and Chrissy was sporting nice reddish tan lines she had not had Friday.
Yep. I was stuck in my room nursing a pity party and they were out sitting in the sun visiting. I was a little pissed. At supper myself and the other guest felt like third wheels. Chrissy and her friend dominated the conversation gossiping about their friends and speaking in code about this person or that event, followed by girly giggling. I resolved to leave after supper. Chrissy was obviously not mature enough to be running a company of this magnitude. She was too young. I would be happy to move on, taking with me the few excellent points and exercises I had gleaned from Chrissy the day before.
And then the supper conversation changed, revolved around Personal Best, Healing, self motivation, repatterning neural pathways, lots of stuff I have never believed in because I have never been exposed to it. All three of the people I was with were into it. Two were nurses who were in to alternative medicine and healing techniques, both had projects Chrissy was overseeing on the subject. I was the only one there who did not have a university degree. Why were these smart, intelligent (albeit young) women into this stuff? Curiosity got the better of me and I started to ask questions.
And here is where we get into the most interesting experience. Turns out Chrissy's friend reads tarot cards, and offered to do so for me. Well of course I went for it, always interested in a new experience.
And I was amazed. Floored. Shocked. Moved.
She told me to ask myself a question that I didn't have to tell her, and then she read the cards. I asked myself, 'Am I really going to die at 44 years old?' This has been a belief of mine for the past 4 years, since the scare that made me quit smoking and caffeine for good. So I asked it. And the cards that came up answered it. One of the main cards that came up was 'Your prayers are answered', which meant it was already taken care of. Already done. It's done. Stop worrying about it, I was told. Other cards told me to let go of fear. Take care of my inner child and stop mothering her, she's in a safe place. She's safe, stop worrying. Already taken care of. I could feel the weight lifting. Then, out of the two decks, I had three jumper cards. Basically when I was shuffling some cards boxed, and she said they were significant and pulled them out. Two of them were the same, which, she said, was unheard of. Two were the friendship card, the third was new love. In my case we took it as rebirth of friendship. A very significant message. I need to let go of old friends who no longer give me the support I need, and embrace the new ones that are coming into my life right now to support me now. The old friendships are stale and I need to let them go no matter how scary it is. There will be new people there. This message went straight to my heart.
What an interesting point to get when me and SO are starting to drift apart more and more. We are learning to do our own things and that has never happened before. I have been thinking more and more about how I would do things around the house on my own. I even went on this retreat thinking, this is a good opportunity for me to prove to myself I can eat well and exercise while on my own. And then I got this message, and I felt it. Felt it, go straight through me.
And I don't know what else to say about it. I am talking about a life change that will shake up alot of lives to the core. Will I do it? At this point I don't know, but again, I can feel change coming. Big time. And now, for the first time, I am looking forward to it.
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